we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
