dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
What a dumb baby whore.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
