She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
third nipple confirmed
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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