i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
