So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
