They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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