you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
