This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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