I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Randomize
