Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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