they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
