I'm drive I can fine osifer
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
