I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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