i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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