it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
