If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
