My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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