literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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