I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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