and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
