The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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