I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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