I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
