fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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