Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
