I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Randomize
