i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
