Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
