Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
