Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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