then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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