is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
