well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Randomize
