Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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