I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
even my farts smell like vagina
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
