I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
smell my finger.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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