hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
