omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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