I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
