How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
