I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
