I'm lost and stupid without you.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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