Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
