I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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