the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
