I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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