My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
