I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
