So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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