I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
