I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
